**Oya - Reversed**

A reminder in power, specifically not to abuse it. Do not call on her for revenge, as it may be turned against you. Oya is known among women, who she assists with matters of equality with men. 

So perhaps on the initial look, I am befuddled with pulling this card, but on a deeper level, I understand why. I must admit I am frustrated with the outcome of a personal nature in the last few weeks. It seemed to good to be true and had every red flag of being so. But I am to be older now right? Wiser in my choices. There is fun, and then there are decisions of growing into this "fun". Should I feel like a failure that this did not work out as planned? Or should I celebrate that I saved myself turmoil in the end? I am aware of the answer, however the sheer sadness and mounting frustration over it doesn't change things. 

**Hind**

Gracefulness, the feminine, subtlety. An invite to look beyond the obvious, the worldly and look at the otherworldly, Look towards "the heart of things". 

In combination with the prior card, I have the utter fear that finding my equality among men is but one of a dream. A few nights ago I met a nice man (no intention involved) who shared some of the most bigoted political thoughts with me. He denied the Holocaust occurred, and I the grand-daughter of a survivor literally laughed at him and said "you are fucking with me right? RIGHT?" When I invited him to go on camera and share his thoughts, as a good journalism major would do, he immediately evaded all my questions, answering them instead with "I like a good beer, and this establishment serves excellent beer for all races, and genders". Each question subsequently was beer and bar related, all evading questions about his inner racism.

 What is it in my qualities that I attract such men, or such conversations to my table? Am I too bold? Too educated? Too olive toned in skin? I am this different being that they gaze upon, and utter such nonsense believing it will work?

Would it be narcissistic in nature to say that I can reveal the evil that lies in the hearts of men? Perhaps it is, but perhaps it is true.

 Sirens (Reversed): I'm being tempted... by what who knows. But a reminder to pause and think if the temptation will benefit me. My mind has been wandering lately. I'm feeling wanderlust. I know I'm bored, and I'm not using my creative outlets as I should. Upon reflection, this might be the negative temptation in itself... distracting myself instead if actually channeling it. 

Abundance: Declutter myself both physically and emotionally. Funny I pull this card, as I've finished my homework and slowly doing some household chores that I've neglected. Also a reminder to be charitable. 

 Eostre: A new me is emerging and time to shake off the old and move forward with the new. Glad to see this card for me today. I've had a brief "alchemist" moment, where I've been faced with the option of yet again turning off the path I started years ago. This chance though, would be treacherous, not only for my health but emotionally. This one isn't just mentally fucked up, he's rumored to be physically abusive towards at least 2 women I know of. I'm flattered for his advances, but warning bells scream off. I know I deserve more than a man like this and his advances are not welcome. It is time for me to pick up my own emotional baggage, thank it and walk off onto new things.

Innocence: A reminder that we are all innocents learning from our mistakes and always returning home. In this we can learn to understand why people do the things they do and eventually forgive. I think I do finally understand. I have for awhile. I just didn't want to accept it. That was a road, a chance yet again for me to turn back and not go after my dreams. I must finally forgive this and keep going forward. 

 Hera: A reminder that she was not loyal in all her relationships and frequently blamed others for their faults. A reminder not to be jealous of something new others have, and instead focus on what it is about that person and how it affects me. Good reminder but im not as concerned with others right now as I am with myself. 

Dreams: Time to rethink my direction and reshift my focus to achieve my dreams. I must be wandering off my path again.

Baba Yaga: A reminder to be myself. After receiving some unsettling news last night, this card is a welcome reminder. I have come this far to be myself, not the manipulated construct of someone else's intent. I remember the enamor very well... how powerful it was, and how willing I was to lose myself in the requests. I shall not sink. I shall not fall again. I shall remain quiet without comment. In the end that's what you are looking for... never was about me. Always was about you. 

Protection: I am protected. Good to know this. From what... I am uncertain. Perhaps my past, perhaps the news I received. Also a reminder to be mindful of my thoughts as they can attract darkness as well as light. Helpful reminder... I must not dwell. 

 Valkyries (Reversed):  This one I had to read three times to understand. A reminder to act in a way that is considerate to others and not assume that bad actions will be forgiven. Be considerate. Perhaps I have yet to see where this applies in my life overall, but an excellent reminder for how to start work today. 

Love:  A reminder that it is time to forgive someone who has hurt me, and to allow myself to be loved or to give love. I admit that I have not allowed myself to let people in, for trusting again is something of a sensitive issue for me. Just a few days ago, I went back and read my private entries here, and I realized how different things are now, verses how they were one year ago. How calmer life feels. But also too calm. The troubles are gone, and I feel that I have held on enough, keeping forward with my goals. But even I know, that before I let another in, I must make peace with the past. 

 White Buffalo Woman: A reminder to develop more rituals into my life that promote peace. Peace not just with people, but within myself. Life, has been busy. Between work and school, I find myself trying to develop a balance. This became increasingly clear 2 nights ago when I found myself cramming for my first exam of the semester. I must find a balance between all aspects of my life to find peace for myself and others. I know this takes scheduling, dedication, and determination to do what I must, even if it involves pulling back occasionally for myself. I acknowledge that when all aspects of my life start to flood into each other, I get rattled. I become less peaceful even in my actions.

 Thought: There is power behind thoughts, and this card is a reminder that I need to take time to recognize such. This one I will need to ponder... no pun intended

 Dreams: a reminder to start making a change, whether small or large, which will have a greater impact to my overall vision in the future. I have been thinking this lately. I have allowed myself to fall apart of mourn the loss of my grandmother, and in some aspects settle the frustrations of aspects of my childhood I did not like, or had wished I had. But It is becoming clear that it is time to get back onto the path I was on, and keep pushing forward.

As I prepare for my photography event tonight, I am slowly catching up on chores, and cleaning. Even allowing fresh air into the apartment thanks to the fall weather. I even cooked this morning. 

Listening: a reminder to be present in life, and listen not only to others, but within. I am stressed, I will admit. New job, school ad filming for my last student film starts today. I'm honesty not in the mood. So I get "be present in life". And I know deep down inside I feel I'm stretched thin. I understand it's time to ease off somethings and focus more on others. 

Brigid: ahh the goddess of creativity of healing. Called upon by many artists and filmmakers for her creative blessings. Ironic as filming starts today. Perhaps I need to suck down a couple St. John Wort pills and relax and just go with the flow. 

Protection: A reminder that protection is at hand should I feel that I have been victimized. Also a reminder to be mindful of my thoughts, as negative thoughts invite negative experiences. Ok.. not something I'm not aware of here, but I am guilty of hashing out some recent events in my mind over and over again as I usually do. This card also suggests in keeping my personal space clutter free to help my psychic energy. Now this is a funny coincidence as I have been slowly everyday cleaning up, with the intention that change is coming. 

 Working with a new deck: Vintage Wisdom Oracle

Nature: How appropriate after recent events here in Columbia, SC. This card is a reminder to reconnect myself to nature in light of all of our technological craziness and busy life. Nature is the symbol of death, renewal and remembrance. 

This was driven home to me yesterday after I personally toured a good friend's apartment, which was destroyed by the floods here. I took photos, offering to use my photography to help her donation recovery fund. It was a jarring reminder how quickly things can change, literally within a span of an hour or so. So many memories there. Her daughter's birthday parties, nights of girl talks after break ups or venting about our former employer, even surviving lay offs from jobs. All reduced to a muddy mess. 

Mother Nature is powerful. I will contest to that now. She's a force I will respect. 

But this appears to be a theme in my whole year. Starts, crises, then recovery. I'm a bit tired. Not as tired as others though. 

Gaia: Excellent to see this card again, a blessing to be creative. Today, I am assigned to my student film, and again I am a Production Manager. Wasn't my first choice, but that's what happens during a draft. You bid along with others, and eventually you're moved around. The project overall I think I will enjoy. It involves the story of a photographer. I won't release details yet (creative copyrights folks!) but it is a subject matter very close to my heart.

Dog (Reversed): This card signifies that I am not feeling worthy. Kinda true lately. I have been self punishing myself again with worry and doubt. It's a side effect of lots of change all at once, the end of some terrible situations and the start of new (hopefully happier) ones. It's a reminder to stand up to my adversaries and keep pushing forward. But also a reminder not to gossip, not to reduce myself to the fearful tactics of other humans. 

 Maat: ahh so here is the goddess of justice again, showing that order will be restored in my life. Finally thankful that I pulled a different card than Kali. I guess sometimes you have to publicly release your fears and sorrows and just let it go. 

Butterfly (Reversed): A sign that something in my life needs change. Yeah I agree. I like working nights and all, but it's not for me. I know this. It's also time for me to refocus on my art and photography. Not taking drinks and all. 

 All 3 cards, are about fear, anger, and stress. Boy was last night a stressful night. I made good money, but clearly there's some organizational issues that the place I work at needs to work out. If you don't know how to do something in the system, don't ask me to do it, and when it doesn't work, don't abandon me to figure it out on my own. Cause what ya learn is, I refuse to budge. I get dramatic. I get frustrated. But I have learned what and who you are. And don't think I'll forget it. 

 Amaterasu (Reversed): hahahah a reminder about over self-esteem, and not to be narcissistic. "Take away the adoring people and there is no solid core". 

Jaguar (Reversed): A reminder to watch the need to control others or abuse through influence. Make corrections. 

Wow, this one I'll need to ponder....

Athena - Strategy : Planning, a reminder to call upon Athena when trying to resolve a problem. Not sure why I'm pulling this card today, but something to keep in mind.

Crow - Law: Crow is about spiritual law which is different than mortal law. It's an omen of change, signifies that I have a voice of authority when speaking out against things I see that are wrong or unjust. A reminder to start walking in my personal will, and balance past present and future me. Shape shift the old me and become the new me. 

Well, I have been experiencing change. The new school year, a new job, hell even a new sleep schedule. Things are unbalanced I know this, and deep down although I'm having fun, it's time to balance it all, tie it together and get serious. Easier said than done, as it always is, but it must happen. 

Perhaps I pull these cards today as my heart is heavy with concern for friends and people I used to know. Listening to local gossip about the area is never good, and I regret even sitting there listening to it. I feel compelled to rescue some people, but I simply know I cannot. Some people have their own paths to walk now, and if I intercept, I may destroy their ability to grow and change themselves. But that does not mean I cannot be concerned. 

I think I understand the crow card right now the most. Crow sees all in  one, past present and future. He looks 3 times at everything. My future doesn't scare me, it's the future of others I fear and have sorrow for. 

An exercise from my current textbook for a film class "Directing". It's an exercise in determining what kind of stories I want to tell. The marks are the experiences that have shaped my life.

The Reflections List: 

1. Kuwait. I hate talking about it. The place is ass backwards and an example of what an overly zealous religious lifestyle can do to a community. It is also my foundation for belief in feminism. If you want to "follow a man" then do so, but you shouldn't be legally forced to. Sometimes I like to follow a man. Sometimes I don't. It's my choice, not a law. 
2. Being a military brat. I hated my life for many years. Always saying goodbye. Always moving. But now I can't imagine have staying in one spot forever. How can people do that? 
3. Kelso, WA. The one place I didn't have to fear moving from, until the end. I was myself there. The real me. I think the real me still hides up there sometimes. But I also now after this last trip, that I have grown and I'm not a part of that community as much anymore. I am a distant connection. A past, and so are they. It's still home though.
4. I don't have a name for this experience. But it was the wild time in my life. A lot of experimentation. I even dated a guy in a local band. It was empowering but exhausting after awhile. I left that phase to pursue my first degree. 
5. The "Hims" of my past. The control freak who would tell me to not speak unless spoken to at his business meetings, who would dismiss me with a lengthy email whenever I would not do what he wanted, who even controlled my diet and my beliefs, the lazy ass who would work but would piss his income away on beer and shots, whose body I would walk over in the mornings passed out in the hallway from the night before on my way to work - I carrying all the bills.
6. My father's mother. The narcissist of the family. The one always making us run and defend ourselves. The one I pray I never become like. 

I don't have to continue I already see it. 

My experience is in the human experience. Feelings, loss, abuse, hatred, all the nasty emotions we dislike. But also the good ones. I've had good experiences. Good memories. I don't focus on them as I should. 

My common theme is I'm never myself. And I resent those who attempt to control me.

And the irony is, I allow them to.

OH SHIT

I think I better sign up for the drama crew. 

 Baba Yaga (Reversed) - Authenticity: ahhh, how this deck of cards knows me. I woke up today feeling like I was at a turning point. Choose. Choose. I cannot turn back. Too many sacrifices have been made. Now this is easier said than done, but necessary. I have 2 paths in front of me and one must traveled. I can't do both. But as I accept this, there is fear. And this card talks about fear. Fear of being oneself, your true self, and when you avoid being your true self (out of fear) you become an evil monster, just like Baba Yaga. Baba's reputation was ruined thanks to xtianity. She became a wonderful lore, to an evil monster of nightmares. Perhaps I too, have spent so long fighting off people's bullshit, that out of fear I've at times been a monster. There are rare nights that I see the old me. The fun me who doesn't give a shit. But always some days later the fear sets in, that being her again, will only bite me in the ass once again. But I know at this turning point, it's time to give the middle finger to everyone and live my life. Again, easier said than done. 

Spider - Weaving: the web of life. This card is a reminder to create. Look for new alternatives (already in motion my dear cards, I'm working on it). Also a reminder that something I have been working on his borne fruit, but I may miss it because I'm too busy trying to build my life. This is true. I worry too much sometimes and I don't always focus on my achievements. I guess it's a learned response. When I mention to people that I've interned on indie films, recorded audio of our state governor speaking (standing 6 feet from her), or that I do photography and art, I usually hear silence. It appears that most people around me only want to bitch about how unhappy they are, or who is fucking who, or drama monger. I do need to remind myself how much I have achieved, and be thankful for it. Instead of allowing the "normal" dull people I attempt to know reduce me to their level. Perhaps this is where yesterdays card on boundaries is at. No body wants to be around miserable people who don't have their life together.  

Andromache - Strength:  Be physically strong. Well I sure was today after I exhausted myself out at work. Seriously, the card says this...  But it also says to know my feminine side, and set boundaries, do not rely on others for my personal power. Now I'm not sure where this applies today, as I wasn't really thinking or relying on anyone else. I do see the boundaries side though. Tonight I had homework, first time in months. Regardless of promises made to people, they are on hold - school first. I question if this card indicates keeping people at bay... those who desire way too much of my time? 

Butterfly - Transformation: The cycle of self transformation. Beginning, decision, developing and sharing. Well the Beginning is done, but I am between decision and developing. Turns out I may not be able to balance my full-time job and full-time school this semester. Thanks to certain holiday seasons that require additional mandatory overtime days which they will not waive. So right now, I'm sitting back, riding out the extra money before having to overhaul my financial situation. But eventually, I'll have to exit the doors again. What I've been pondering as of late, is whether or not this was fated to be. I may be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Working weekends keeps me out of trouble, but also disconnects me at the same time. Flexibility would be nice, but then I'd get shit for pay. So I'm trying to balance this out, as long as I can until I simply cannot anymore. Regardless, school will win in the end. 

 Qestesh - Pleasure: Now usually when I pull this card I find an excuse to run out to the bar. But not tonight. School is back in session, I'm working full-time, and frankly my back and ass (yes I said my ass) hurts like hell from work today. So instead I've run to the grocery store, slathered up some half chicken parts with Creole seasoning and am currently roasting them in my oven. Is food pleasure? Hell yes when you're starving from 10 hours of lifting, squatting, and pushing couple hundreds pounds of inventory across a warehouse. But I digress...

So this card suggests being in the moment when you are having fun, and release worry, whether it be through art, seeing friends, or just doing something you enjoy. A no brainer for an artist/photographer - go do some photo work (I am thankfully almost done with these wedding edits!!!)

Rabbit - Fear (Reversed): Now this is where it gets interesting when adding onto what I see in the first card. Reversed rabbit symbolizes paralyzed rabbit from failing to resolve a situation. It shows a time to either take a rest, wait for the forces of the universe to start moving again. The card ALWAYS shows a time where one should re-evaluate the process I am undergoing and rid myself of negative feelings. 

Here we go again with the negative feelings thing again, good grief. See prior card readings...

In short this card means my influence on a situation cannot be felt at this time until I see things differently. Which situation exactly?

It is funny I have pulled this card as my second to Qetesh. I had decided it was time to "burrow" myself in for awhile. I've privatized my twitter, and spent little time on facebook. I have had some concerns lately eating at me about prior events. It's one of those undecided moments in my life where I see paths opening up, but hell if I wanna take any of them. And these paths range from a variety of things: career, art, even socially. I wouldn't call it fear, just a nagging sense that these new paths are carbon copies of past unresolved bullshit.

So to gain further insight, I asked my third deck, what the main issue was bothering me based on these two prior cards:

The Soul Shrinker (Reversed) - Cruelty, Malice, Curses. Destruction. Blessing: the title alone sounds terrible...
Oh great.... This card suggests gossip, malice, and slander are occurring somewhere in the situation, cursing the people involved. To rectify begin scattering blessings, positive feedback, thank yous, and kind words.

The kicker: I gotta mean it.

*laugh*

Damn faerie cards.