20 August 2015 @ 09:11 pm
Me Verses Them  
Sorry for my lack of updates. Some stressful last few days. And probably more to come. I just keep having to remind myself to allow life to happen and not to fight things.

In other news, as of today I am officially on the IMDB. No not under my nickname, but my real name. So it's one credit, but it's something.

Is it petty to sit here and wanna pick up the phone and call people who have so devalued me this year and shove it in their face? I mean, what have they done that's important? But be bar flys and drama kings/queens.

I won't, but don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind. As an artist I will remain classy. I will always have "haters" chomping at the bit behind my back. They can have their shallow unhappy boring lives of bars and drama. 

I'll have a name. 

And they... will remain the unknown and never was. 
Current Mood: accomplished
16 August 2015 @ 06:28 pm
Pomona and Otter (reversed)  
Pomona - Plenty: A reminder of growth, that I can ask and I can receive. Also a reminder to make room to receive what I want. Let go of old things. (common theme I'm seeing here...) Otter - Woman Medicine (Reversed): So I'm either wandering from one idea to another, or blocking my female energies with male energies.I know I am rambling from one idea to another, but must ponder if I'm using too much male energy and not allowing my true side to come out.
Current Mood: tired
15 August 2015 @ 08:13 am
Morgan Le Fae (Reversed) and Weasel  
Oh my, how my cards must know my thoughts and feelings today. Morgan Le Fey, the infamous fable of the women who tested Arthur and the loyalty of his friends. Even rumored to have plotted his death, and seduced him. So forgive me in being vague, as this shall remain a public post, but the reminder is clear. Be true in my intentions because the universe will know. I feel an affinity with this card right now, almost a fascination. But not the type of energy I want to channel lifelong. It has served it's purpose. But I must admit when enough is enough, anything excessive will change me into "that thing". Traveling the depths of "this world" involved a level of stealth, a level of secrecy, and a level of careful calculation. I am just happy that in all this, I did not lose myself in the end. I'm a bit edgier now, but it's time to come off this path and become myself again. Yes, I once again want to be the good girl. It's time to put away my weapons. 

"Sometimes your mirror rebels against you".....

And so this brings me to Weasel medicine - the ability to see the truth around you, the lies, the deceptions. They say it's a frightening power to some, and it explains the sadness people with Weasel medicine carry, as they see the misconceptions happening around them. In exploring "that world" I know the feeling of sadness very well. Watching those around you, and others lie and deceive, slander each other and do the most hateful things. It has been an awakening experience to the inner workings of how esteem and ego drives people to be the most hateful things on our planet. 

And so with that, I pull a divination card just for some directive here, and I get Solus - Knowledge, Consciousness, Synthesis, and Spiritual Empowerment.  I laugh as I read this card: "When we don't know what we need or who to turn to, Solus will help us. Solus said - "allow the surface noise to fade, I am here waiting". So this card indicates that something new is being brought into our life, partly by our own efforts. "Movement into the light is occurring". Should be a good transition from playing with the dark for so long. 
Current Mood: contemplative
14 August 2015 @ 06:54 pm
Eostre (Reversed) & Wild Boar  
Now this is the second time I've pulled Eostre, but last time I did not pull a secondary card for further insight. So again here we are discussing letting go of things not useful to me anymore, possibly a symbolic death in a sense.

Wild Boar however offers an extension to this, with the ideal of facing my fears, stand up for myself and have warrior courage. Basically, don't hide. Have I been hiding? Well if you keep up with my private entries you already know the answer to this.

Now again, if you've been keeping up, I use cards for introspection not divination. When I encounter issues like this, with a card repeating I will turn to a divination deck for assistance (the one I mainly use is the Faerie Oracle).

Ilbe the Retriever - Office of Unclaimed Property, Hopes Wishes and Loyalty. - Now this is interesting, appears I have a dream that's being held by Ilbe until I am ready to receive it. I can claim this dream, but I have to find the path.

Well which damned dream? I have a few ya know. Ugh the Fae can be annoying little shits. 
Current Mood: annoyed
13 August 2015 @ 07:36 am
Helen of Troy & Raccoon (Reversed)  
Helen of Troy (Beauty): A reminder to not become a prisoner of your own beauty or not to use beauty as a weapon. Now there's several past situations I can apply this card to, all recent as well. I will admit that perhaps still I like to punish people with reminders of what they no longer have. But just like Helen of Troy's story, she herself was virtually a prisoner until her marriage, kept by her loved ones, her own friends, and family. And even then when she was released, it was a strategic marriage. Perhaps the lies told me earlier this year by a now shunned friend make sense with this card. In her own way she has her own beauty, but nothing exotic. I do make for an interesting weapon against people. It is something to ponder on.

Raccoon (Reversed): A reminder to do something compassionate for someone else. Well at least it's not another "forgive" card. 

Current Mood: calm
12 August 2015 @ 03:41 pm
Artemis (Reversed) & Turtle  
Artemis - Individuation (Reversed) - Pulling many a cards reversed lately. Oh well it is what it is. So this one, is about not isolating myself so much from the opposite sex that I cannot forgive them. Wow, that's quite ironic given recent events. Also a reminder that if i isolate myself too much I may not be as emphatic towards others. Question is here, is this my card? 

Turtle - Mother Earth: Well this one is a conundrum. A time to connect with mother earth ad ask her for assistance. Yeah I'm at a loss, sitting here dying my hair staring at the tv and I have no idea or feedback for this card. 

Current Mood: curious
11 August 2015 @ 09:21 am
Gaia and Dolphin (Reversed)  
Gaia - Creation: I am feeling creative today and it's funny how I pulled this card! I was just considering brief trip to the old crafts store to wander and hunt down creative goodness. Perhaps I should afterall:)

Dolphin (Reversed): Time to pay attention to my health. My inner rhythm is off possibly causing me to miss signs from the universe. This could be very true. I feel like I watching, looking for signs, but how many am I missing? Regardless, old cycles are over and it's time to start venturing forward. School starts soon!
Current Mood: creative
09 August 2015 @ 07:07 pm
Maat (Reversed) & Bear (Reversed)  
Maat - Justice (Reversed): An advisement to accept my part in situations and not allow total blame on others. This is interesting as I can apply it to multiple people and situations. This ones hard to narrow down however with so many possibilities. The truth is, any person in any situation can take accountability for things they have done, both positive or negative or both. So the card isn't exactly leading me anywhere except a common sense reminder to not blame shift and look at things objectively.

Bear (Reversed): A warning that I have confused my internal dialogue and have allowed other people's thoughts and advice to impact my path. Only my dreams can be achieved by me, by my thoughts and in my knowledge of what I want and whats best for me. Now this is a no-brainer. I've been listening to way too many people this year, and allowed them to suggest and act on my behalf way too much. I should have stopped a lot of things, people and situations before things went as some things did. But you trust, believe that people tell the truth and hope that motives are never at play. Thus year I've seen a lot of motives at play. A LOT. I sadly may have trustingly walked into many of these motives and power struggle games. All of which managed to accomplish nothing for the people playing them, except for me to embarrass them in some form or another. The sad part is, I knew on some level the games, who played them, who was lying, and I sat back until I couldn't take it anymore. Perhaps this is where I examine my need to accept some of the blame. I foolishly let people act on my behalf or walk over me all while I knew what they were doing. Why I did this I have no fucking idea. I guess it was blind denial. I had to have faith that I had good people around me. Yeah... I didn't.

But it hasn't been a loss. In all this I've met very good people who are low drama, who are positive and happy people. And when I hang out with them it's always fun. I guess I had to see who the demons were first to see the goodness that is out there. I had a thought today while at work, how much differently I see the world now, with 2 years of education under my belt, and a different lifestyle. It's amazing what change does for someone's view in life. I cannot imaging being this age and still drudging on doing the same thing over and over again like so many people I know do. 

People should constantly grow, or attempt to achieve something. I have to remind myself that my something is on a bigger scale than most and not to look down on others who have smaller goals, but at least be trying to learn, or do something. Drinking at a bar every weekend or every night is not an achievement. Going home with random people is not an achievement. Serial dating is not an achievement. Finding faults in others is not an achievement. Gossip mongering is not an achievement. Revenge is not an achievement. Punishing someone is not an achievement. Lying is not an achievement. 

Who or what you were in high school... is no longer an achievement. 

Remembering the past is not an achievement. 

Forgiving the past is. 

It's something I'll have to slowly work on. I can't make promises. I can only try. 
Current Mood: awake
08 August 2015 @ 06:46 pm
Boudicca (Reversed) and Raven  
Boudicca (Reversed) Unity: I laugh as I pull this card. I had a moment of intense feelings last night and today. Good reminder that anger can be healthy as long as it doesn't result in a destructive fit of rage.

Note to self: don't rage... *laugh*

Raven - Magic: So this card says something is in the works and for me "not to figure it out" and let it happen. Well hopefully this is good stuff coming to me. This whole year so far has been one struggle after the next. I'd really like my fall to be filled with happiness and fun.

So basically be angry but don't rage and don't do shit about what's coming.

I dunno whether or not to laugh at the irony or sit here befuddled.
Current Mood: amused
07 August 2015 @ 05:11 pm
Second Consultation - Jaguar  
 While waiting for my pc to update to Windows 10, I decided to pull a different deck off the old bookcase for a second view.

Been awhile since I used my Medicine cards. Pulled Jaguar. Integrity and Impeccability. Signifies a recognition where I used integrity in a situation where I could have easily abused my authority. Good deeds committed and / or I did not pass judgment on someone. 

Jaguar medicine teaches to maintain integrity, compassion, devotion, loyalty and embraces forgiveness.

What's up with all this forgive and heal shit!?

Current Mood: confused
07 August 2015 @ 04:49 pm
Bridgid and Qetesh - COTD  
Pulled 2 cards today, first in the morning, second this afternoon:

Morning: Bridgid - Healing Signifies that past hurts will recede, considered a blessing in creative endeavors.

Not sure on this one. Was a bit disgruntled this morning remembering some things I wanted to forget. But perhaps a step forward, feel it and just let it go. Guess it's better than repressing.

Afternoon: Qetesh - Pleasure (reversed) A reminder not to use others in the pursuit of pleasure and to consider other people's feelings.

Been accused of this before. Just a few days ago in fact. I might be guilty in this. But haven't felt connection enough to latch onto anyone, and forcing me or isolating me won't achieve that. Blowing up my phone won't do it either. Nor will jealousy games. I dunno. No one is entertaining right now.
Current Mood: blank
06 August 2015 @ 06:37 pm
Goddesses and Sirens Deck - CotD  
Today's card: Sekhmet - Reduction

Second time I've pulled this card. Symbolizes a time to positively let go of emotions that no longer serve you, like anger.

Some people I am not ready to forgive, but others perhaps. Been thinking on that lately. I can confess that there might be something or someone I miss. But my upset my anger for what happened is something of a mortal wound in a sense. Shall I ever forgive? I dunno. It would be healthier if I did, but that depends on the person. Not on me.

But I will note that these past two days I have felt calmer, not quite at peace but calm. I have hope, and it's something different to feel. Things do appear to be falling into place as they should. But again, I am taking a watch and wait approach. My trust is little, but I don't think anyone can blame me.
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Current Mood: calm
04 August 2015 @ 08:02 pm
The Mystic Returns?  
I have been a book nerd lately. Reading at least one book a day so far. Easy reads, nothing major, but entertaining none the less. I have missed having an ereader, and I'm thankful my father gave me his old Kindle Fire HD. I'm making use of it.

So with that said, without mentioning why or what I'm explaining, based on the upset messages of a friend, I'm not ignoring anyone. It's been an emotional return to the south since the funeral. Adjustments, self introspection, a review of my childhood, old hurts, and yes realization that had I stayed in WA, I would have had a much, much different version of life I know now. I get that it's hard for some to understand. And I've had my moments of anger, frustration, even sadness. I look back at a decade worth of "insert whatever emotion here" and I ask myself how I let these things come to be. I don't have answers. What I have is knowledge that clearly I needed to experience those things, those people, those hurts to develop into whatever I am developing into now.

I know that at death I want to be nothing like my grandmother. There were 4 of us. And all 4 of us had hurts from her. But we are keeping your requests, those promises even in death. Even me. I had no idea what I took that day from your house, but apparently it's upset many people. My great grandfather's legacy will be kept here in the south. Even if I return, it stays here. You cannot have it. And I'm not even sure why I'm entrusted with it. Cause... like I'm going to have kids or anything. I dunno. Maybe I'll change my mind. It's not fair of me to deny people an heir to our legacy. I just shouldn't have to. I dunno.

So for those keeping up with my readings: read The Alchemist and Brida by Paulo Coelho. If not both then at least The Alchemist. Reminds me very much of the rosicrucian teachings, even points to Egypt. Brida, was a recommendation by a very spiritual confidant of mine, said it's a story of a girl trying to find herself. Yeah, it spoke to me on many levels. Another, because since grandmother's death I've heard the calling again... yes once again I'm immersed in the readings of great grandfathers order, which was also mine twice now. Strangely enough they are free on my kindle. Imagine that. Spiritual Laws that Govern the Universe: is nothing new for current or former members, but a good reminder of why I used to be so tolerant of the people around me. How I could see past the hateful things they did or said. I have forgotten that part of me. Displaced it.

But compassion is not a welcome to be a doormat. This the order teaches: that if two people (or more) cannot see eye to eye and cannot exists peacefully then both should part. The goal is NOT to harm the other. And you can ask the universe for a dream, but if that dream harms a member of your family or someone close the dream may be denied or altered. Hence why we always do not get what we want. It's complicated I know. It makes sense to me and I apologize for my lack of further explanation. But would you listen? Bother to read it? People only accept what they are ready to accept.

Perhaps I am the witch in Brida, like the 4 rings women may choose. I would have chosen the Magus. But I understand why she ended up with the non-believer. She had two soulmates. And one could never walk her path. The Magus couldn't walk her path. But upon thought, I don't think I have two soulmates. I believe I have one. Perhaps prior people I had a strong connection to, but if Coelho is correct, soulmates feel each other no matter what happens, even if they part. Maybe I met him. Maybe I already know. But it takes two to recognize. Who knows.

My point of my rambling, because i'm covering everything from mysticism, to funerals, to life, to soulmates is that I'm evolving. I'm seeking. God I am a true mystic. I laugh now. That's what they do. But I'm also indifferent. I'm observing. I'm watching the signs. I am not chasing anything. I am awaiting for things to unveil and reveal themselves and trusting that they are unfolding as they should. I have faith that the people and things going forward placed in front of me will be there because they need to be.

"I used to fight things, I really did in life, now I just let them happen and move forward" said my dad. It's true. I watched him for years do it. Now he just accepts, and goes forward. Enough serious thought. I am a well over runneth tonight.
Current Mood: contemplative
14 July 2015 @ 01:57 pm
Coming Home  
What a strange trip this has been. But trips to WA State are hardly anything less than strange and unusual. Yesterday we set the ashes of grandmother to sea. My father, making me hold her ashes said his last words to her before I passed the ashes over. She was carried down a slope and released to the Columbia River in Ilwaco, WA. My father's last words to his mother, was that she lied, manipulated, and kept everyone defending themselves their whole life, and all the while he always kept his promises to her, and always said he loved her.

"You never said you loved us, never."

I the only grandchild in attendance, the one who had years ago disowned her held the ashes during his speech. The husband of my aunt, the son in law grandmother hated so much, that he never came into town to visit with my aunt, was the one to set her to sea. The irony, well it goes without saying.

As we rode to the beach I confided in father that I couldn't understand recent events in my life. "I feel like im constantly defending myself and exposing the bullshit of others around me." "Well Heather, just so you know that was my whole life with my mother. Defend and expose. I had to defend myself from her lies constantly and expose her for it." I believe all things happen for a reason. And if I hadn't recently experienced things as I have, I wouldn't have understood my father's actions during his goodbye to his mother. But I do now.

I also realize that I've changed too. I have experiences and things going on in my life that are vastly different than some people of my past. I've, this trip come to terms with the fact that some people are best left in the past. If you have to hide your current situation, you're frankly of no use to me anymore. You're basically like my grandmother, making me defend and expose you, just as my father has had to all along. When I ask you to explain to me why someone spent a total of 13 years in jail, and I've known you for 20+ years your answer better not be: "i'm not at liberty to discuss those details". Yeah, cause as I know now hes a registered sex offender, and I slept across the hall from him for 2 nights. I have a right to know what sleeps under the same roof with me. And you are supposed to protect me. I reserve the right to decide if I want to be around a convicted criminal or not.

It goes without saying, that I do not and won't tolerate this kind of behavior among my southern friends as well. If you're that bored that you must find entertainment in playing the same mental and slanderous games my grandmother played... well just know now, I've been taught by a family of strong individuals who have survived a true grandmaster who puts all of you to shame. Not a threat, just a reminder that some of us won't play along with you anymore. 

I won't play along with you anymore. 

I've also accepted that my mountain, is the true metaphor and reflection of who and what I am. I am a true Washingtonian. I'm very much a part of the wilderness, and craziness that infects us all. And like my mountain I can be silent, I can be shy and hide behind the clouds, I can be that force that never lets you forget her, always following your line of sight even if you've crossed the bridge into Oregon, I can be beautiful, I can be cold, I can smother myself in mists and snow and shut myself off from you. I can be explosive. I can change the people, and things around me in an instant. I can destroy them too. I can also bring life back. Not the same, but a changed version of it. I can resurrect myself and the things I take away.

And so this trip reawoke me to my history, and reminded me of who I am, and what the south has developed in me as well. I'm not sure how to blend Washington Cloudia with South Carolina Cloudia, but I'm sure there is a way.

I guess we will find out.
Current Mood: awake
05 July 2015 @ 08:18 pm
Notes on The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho  
"At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny." 

"It's a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your destiny. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth." 

"Yes, or even search for treasure. The Soul of the World is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation. All things are one. 
"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." 

Now he understood why the owner of the bar had been so upset: he was trying to tell him not to trust that man. "I'm like everyone else—I see the world in terms of what I would like to see happen, not what actually does."

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it," 

He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.

But the caravan began to move, and it was impossible to hear what the Englishman was saying. The boy knew what he was about to describe, though: the mysterious chain that links one thing to another, the same chain that had caused him to become a shepherd, that had caused his recurring dream, that had brought him to a city near Africa, to find a king, and to be robbed in order to meet a crystal merchant, and… 
The closer one gets to realizing his destiny, the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being, thought the boy. 

But all this happened for one basic reason: no matter how many detours and adjustments it made, the caravan moved toward the same compass point. Once obstacles were overcome, it returned to its course, sighting on a star that indicated the location of the oasis. When the people saw that star shining in the morning sky, they knew they were on the right course toward water, palm trees, shelter, and other people. It was only the Englishman who was unaware of all this; he was, for the most part, immersed in reading his books. 

Current Mood: blank
05 July 2015 @ 07:12 pm
The Living Damned  

Current Mood: artistic
16 May 2015 @ 07:49 pm
The Crazy Ones  
What an amazing day. My first project as an intern was to find a drive thru location locally that would allow us to film 3 actors arguing and taking an order. My director wanted Hardees.

Now I dunno how I pulled this off but I somehow did. And, hours later I sit here somewhat stunned in shock that me, little old me is actually doing this. Aren't I suppossed to be the fuck up? The drama queen? The crazy girl? Well whatever may be said I clearly am making things happen. I dunno what's out there in this world giving me these chances but im here. I'm along for the ride and im letting it flow.

In other news, my car was used as a prop. It's in the movie lol. If I had known what I know now when I bought it hahah.

But embarrassing funny story, I hadn't cleaned my car since January. The whole crew watched 2 bags of trash be removed from my car. I promise now to always keep my car clean hahaha.
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Current Mood: accomplished
29 April 2015 @ 12:00 pm
Finals week madness!!!!!! Backed out of my internship today to cram for my final tomorrow. But that's student life.

SOOO have you ever been catfished? I haven't until this morning. I started getting messages from a girl on BookFail who had 3 mutual friends, she requested "photos" of me. Of course I declined. First off I don't do girls with the exception of a drunken makeout session and secondly I'm not dumb....

Turns out shes been attempting to ask for naked pics of all us. I kept talking to her and pressed her where she hangs out here in Sodaland. She stopped responding.

I must admit it's a reminder to me to be careful with social media, but at the same time it's ego flattering that someone would attempt to obtain photos of me (and my friends) in this manner.

Keep trying sweetie. My photos are prized possessions;)
Current Mood: amused
05 March 2015 @ 01:52 pm
Thin Mints  
Julie Blackmon, is a new to me photographer. Skimming her book while in class, I stumbled upon this image, which at first I discounted as a Beatles remake, until my eye wandered towards the lower left. I laughed, I smiled, I declared it my new fave photo.

It's so cute and hilarious.

Link: http://www.ggibsongallery.com/julie-blackmon-thin-mints/
Current Mood: amused
05 March 2015 @ 12:45 pm
I think you're freaky....  
Admit it, it's catchy...
Current Mood: amused