24 August 2015 @ 11:59 am
The Marks  
An exercise from my current textbook for a film class "Directing". It's an exercise in determining what kind of stories I want to tell. The marks are the experiences that have shaped my life.

The Reflections List: 
  1. Kuwait. I hate talking about it. The place is ass backwards and an example of what an overly zealous religious lifestyle can do to a community. It is also my foundation for belief in feminism. If you want to "follow a man" then do so, but you shouldn't be legally forced to. Sometimes I like to follow a man. Sometimes I don't. It's my choice, not a law. 
  2. Being a military brat. I hated my life for many years. Always saying goodbye. Always moving. But now I can't imagine have staying in one spot forever. How can people do that? 
  3. Kelso, WA. The one place I didn't have to fear moving from, until the end. I was myself there. The real me. I think the real me still hides up there sometimes. But I also now after this last trip, that I have grown and I'm not a part of that community as much anymore. I am a distant connection. A past, and so are they. It's still home though.
  4. I don't have a name for this experience. But it was the wild time in my life. A lot of experimentation. I even dated a guy in a local band. It was empowering but exhausting after awhile. I left that phase to pursue my first degree. 
  5. The "Hims" of my past. The control freak who would tell me to not speak unless spoken to at his business meetings, who would dismiss me with a lengthy email whenever I would not do what he wanted, who even controlled my diet and my beliefs, the lazy ass who would work but would piss his income away on beer and shots, whose body I would walk over in the mornings passed out in the hallway from the night before on my way to work - I carrying all the bills.
  6. My father's mother. The narcissist of the family. The one always making us run and defend ourselves. The one I pray I never become like. 
I don't have to continue I already see it. 

My experience is in the human experience. Feelings, loss, abuse, hatred, all the nasty emotions we dislike. But also the good ones. I've had good experiences. Good memories. I don't focus on them as I should. 

My common theme is I'm never myself. And I resent those who attempt to control me.

And the irony is, I allow them to.


I think I better sign up for the drama crew. 

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04 August 2015 @ 08:02 pm
The Mystic Returns?  
I have been a book nerd lately. Reading at least one book a day so far. Easy reads, nothing major, but entertaining none the less. I have missed having an ereader, and I'm thankful my father gave me his old Kindle Fire HD. I'm making use of it.

So with that said, without mentioning why or what I'm explaining, based on the upset messages of a friend, I'm not ignoring anyone. It's been an emotional return to the south since the funeral. Adjustments, self introspection, a review of my childhood, old hurts, and yes realization that had I stayed in WA, I would have had a much, much different version of life I know now. I get that it's hard for some to understand. And I've had my moments of anger, frustration, even sadness. I look back at a decade worth of "insert whatever emotion here" and I ask myself how I let these things come to be. I don't have answers. What I have is knowledge that clearly I needed to experience those things, those people, those hurts to develop into whatever I am developing into now.

I know that at death I want to be nothing like my grandmother. There were 4 of us. And all 4 of us had hurts from her. But we are keeping your requests, those promises even in death. Even me. I had no idea what I took that day from your house, but apparently it's upset many people. My great grandfather's legacy will be kept here in the south. Even if I return, it stays here. You cannot have it. And I'm not even sure why I'm entrusted with it. Cause... like I'm going to have kids or anything. I dunno. Maybe I'll change my mind. It's not fair of me to deny people an heir to our legacy. I just shouldn't have to. I dunno.

So for those keeping up with my readings: read The Alchemist and Brida by Paulo Coelho. If not both then at least The Alchemist. Reminds me very much of the rosicrucian teachings, even points to Egypt. Brida, was a recommendation by a very spiritual confidant of mine, said it's a story of a girl trying to find herself. Yeah, it spoke to me on many levels. Another, because since grandmother's death I've heard the calling again... yes once again I'm immersed in the readings of great grandfathers order, which was also mine twice now. Strangely enough they are free on my kindle. Imagine that. Spiritual Laws that Govern the Universe: is nothing new for current or former members, but a good reminder of why I used to be so tolerant of the people around me. How I could see past the hateful things they did or said. I have forgotten that part of me. Displaced it.

But compassion is not a welcome to be a doormat. This the order teaches: that if two people (or more) cannot see eye to eye and cannot exists peacefully then both should part. The goal is NOT to harm the other. And you can ask the universe for a dream, but if that dream harms a member of your family or someone close the dream may be denied or altered. Hence why we always do not get what we want. It's complicated I know. It makes sense to me and I apologize for my lack of further explanation. But would you listen? Bother to read it? People only accept what they are ready to accept.

Perhaps I am the witch in Brida, like the 4 rings women may choose. I would have chosen the Magus. But I understand why she ended up with the non-believer. She had two soulmates. And one could never walk her path. The Magus couldn't walk her path. But upon thought, I don't think I have two soulmates. I believe I have one. Perhaps prior people I had a strong connection to, but if Coelho is correct, soulmates feel each other no matter what happens, even if they part. Maybe I met him. Maybe I already know. But it takes two to recognize. Who knows.

My point of my rambling, because i'm covering everything from mysticism, to funerals, to life, to soulmates is that I'm evolving. I'm seeking. God I am a true mystic. I laugh now. That's what they do. But I'm also indifferent. I'm observing. I'm watching the signs. I am not chasing anything. I am awaiting for things to unveil and reveal themselves and trusting that they are unfolding as they should. I have faith that the people and things going forward placed in front of me will be there because they need to be.

"I used to fight things, I really did in life, now I just let them happen and move forward" said my dad. It's true. I watched him for years do it. Now he just accepts, and goes forward. Enough serious thought. I am a well over runneth tonight.
Current Mood: contemplative