Baba Yaga (Reversed) - Authenticity: ahhh, how this deck of cards knows me. I woke up today feeling like I was at a turning point. Choose. Choose. I cannot turn back. Too many sacrifices have been made. Now this is easier said than done, but necessary. I have 2 paths in front of me and one must traveled. I can't do both. But as I accept this, there is fear. And this card talks about fear. Fear of being oneself, your true self, and when you avoid being your true self (out of fear) you become an evil monster, just like Baba Yaga. Baba's reputation was ruined thanks to xtianity. She became a wonderful lore, to an evil monster of nightmares. Perhaps I too, have spent so long fighting off people's bullshit, that out of fear I've at times been a monster. There are rare nights that I see the old me. The fun me who doesn't give a shit. But always some days later the fear sets in, that being her again, will only bite me in the ass once again. But I know at this turning point, it's time to give the middle finger to everyone and live my life. Again, easier said than done. 

Spider - Weaving: the web of life. This card is a reminder to create. Look for new alternatives (already in motion my dear cards, I'm working on it). Also a reminder that something I have been working on his borne fruit, but I may miss it because I'm too busy trying to build my life. This is true. I worry too much sometimes and I don't always focus on my achievements. I guess it's a learned response. When I mention to people that I've interned on indie films, recorded audio of our state governor speaking (standing 6 feet from her), or that I do photography and art, I usually hear silence. It appears that most people around me only want to bitch about how unhappy they are, or who is fucking who, or drama monger. I do need to remind myself how much I have achieved, and be thankful for it. Instead of allowing the "normal" dull people I attempt to know reduce me to their level. Perhaps this is where yesterdays card on boundaries is at. No body wants to be around miserable people who don't have their life together.  

An exercise from my current textbook for a film class "Directing". It's an exercise in determining what kind of stories I want to tell. The marks are the experiences that have shaped my life.

The Reflections List: 

1. Kuwait. I hate talking about it. The place is ass backwards and an example of what an overly zealous religious lifestyle can do to a community. It is also my foundation for belief in feminism. If you want to "follow a man" then do so, but you shouldn't be legally forced to. Sometimes I like to follow a man. Sometimes I don't. It's my choice, not a law. 
2. Being a military brat. I hated my life for many years. Always saying goodbye. Always moving. But now I can't imagine have staying in one spot forever. How can people do that? 
3. Kelso, WA. The one place I didn't have to fear moving from, until the end. I was myself there. The real me. I think the real me still hides up there sometimes. But I also now after this last trip, that I have grown and I'm not a part of that community as much anymore. I am a distant connection. A past, and so are they. It's still home though.
4. I don't have a name for this experience. But it was the wild time in my life. A lot of experimentation. I even dated a guy in a local band. It was empowering but exhausting after awhile. I left that phase to pursue my first degree. 
5. The "Hims" of my past. The control freak who would tell me to not speak unless spoken to at his business meetings, who would dismiss me with a lengthy email whenever I would not do what he wanted, who even controlled my diet and my beliefs, the lazy ass who would work but would piss his income away on beer and shots, whose body I would walk over in the mornings passed out in the hallway from the night before on my way to work - I carrying all the bills.
6. My father's mother. The narcissist of the family. The one always making us run and defend ourselves. The one I pray I never become like. 

I don't have to continue I already see it. 

My experience is in the human experience. Feelings, loss, abuse, hatred, all the nasty emotions we dislike. But also the good ones. I've had good experiences. Good memories. I don't focus on them as I should. 

My common theme is I'm never myself. And I resent those who attempt to control me.

And the irony is, I allow them to.

OH SHIT

I think I better sign up for the drama crew.