What a strange trip this has been. But trips to WA State are hardly anything less than strange and unusual. Yesterday we set the ashes of grandmother to sea. My father, making me hold her ashes said his last words to her before I passed the ashes over. She was carried down a slope and released to the Columbia River in Ilwaco, WA. My father's last words to his mother, was that she lied, manipulated, and kept everyone defending themselves their whole life, and all the while he always kept his promises to her, and always said he loved her.

"You never said you loved us, never."

I the only grandchild in attendance, the one who had years ago disowned her held the ashes during his speech. The husband of my aunt, the son in law grandmother hated so much, that he never came into town to visit with my aunt, was the one to set her to sea. The irony, well it goes without saying.

As we rode to the beach I confided in father that I couldn't understand recent events in my life. "I feel like im constantly defending myself and exposing the bullshit of others around me." "Well Heather, just so you know that was my whole life with my mother. Defend and expose. I had to defend myself from her lies constantly and expose her for it." I believe all things happen for a reason. And if I hadn't recently experienced things as I have, I wouldn't have understood my father's actions during his goodbye to his mother. But I do now.

I also realize that I've changed too. I have experiences and things going on in my life that are vastly different than some people of my past. I've, this trip come to terms with the fact that some people are best left in the past. If you have to hide your current situation, you're frankly of no use to me anymore. You're basically like my grandmother, making me defend and expose you, just as my father has had to all along. When I ask you to explain to me why someone spent a total of 13 years in jail, and I've known you for 20+ years your answer better not be: "i'm not at liberty to discuss those details". Yeah, cause as I know now hes a registered sex offender, and I slept across the hall from him for 2 nights. I have a right to know what sleeps under the same roof with me. And you are supposed to protect me. I reserve the right to decide if I want to be around a convicted criminal or not.

It goes without saying, that I do not and won't tolerate this kind of behavior among my southern friends as well. If you're that bored that you must find entertainment in playing the same mental and slanderous games my grandmother played... well just know now, I've been taught by a family of strong individuals who have survived a true grandmaster who puts all of you to shame. Not a threat, just a reminder that some of us won't play along with you anymore. 

I won't play along with you anymore. 

I've also accepted that my mountain, is the true metaphor and reflection of who and what I am. I am a true Washingtonian. I'm very much a part of the wilderness, and craziness that infects us all. And like my mountain I can be silent, I can be shy and hide behind the clouds, I can be that force that never lets you forget her, always following your line of sight even if you've crossed the bridge into Oregon, I can be beautiful, I can be cold, I can smother myself in mists and snow and shut myself off from you. I can be explosive. I can change the people, and things around me in an instant. I can destroy them too. I can also bring life back. Not the same, but a changed version of it. I can resurrect myself and the things I take away.

And so this trip reawoke me to my history, and reminded me of who I am, and what the south has developed in me as well. I'm not sure how to blend Washington Cloudia with South Carolina Cloudia, but I'm sure there is a way.

I guess we will find out.